MEMOIRS OF A SON OF A POSTMAN

Last night I had a dream. I can’t remember what I see. I can’t recall to whoever I talked to. But I remember those feelings. I can’t stand it anymore so I woke up in the middle of the night and cry. I even can’t remember when was the last time I cried. But this time the tears were rolling down and I didn’t understand why.

For 20 years of living, I realize that my journey has come to the middle. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go and I never know. I met so many people in my life. Some angels and some demons. Whoever they are, they taught me about life. To understand the joy and to define the cruelty it brings. Sometimes, the stupidity of mine wonders, why am not I born as an angel, so that I won’t be a jerk like what I am today? Or even better, I don’t want to be born at the first place. I hurt so many people including my family and the closest buddies. Well, that’s what jerks do, right? No wonder people hurt me in return of what I did to others.

People changes and so do I. But nobody understands that, not even me. I did try to make others happy, to cheer them up when they are down, to give them support all the way, but still… I am nobody to them but a loser in desperate of attention trying to be a hero to clear things up.

My sister once told me that if you feel that nobody like you or love you; always remember that the whole family will always loves you no matter what you do. Even if you hurt us, you are still part of the family. Run back to our arms coz we got our shoulders for you to cry on.. I love you, dear sis…

My heart always reminds me that I will never give ways to emotions but to stand against it. Hmmh… guess sometimes the emotions got too strong and I was defeated and suffered the consequences.

Life ain’t easy. Life is cruel and we still have to face it. I can’t sit at the corner of the room and still crying. I got a train to catch. And there won’t be another one.

Thanks to those who support me and believe in me. I apologize to those that I’ve hurt so much. I didn’t mean to hurt you because I am a normal human being, who can’t resist of commission of errors. But at least I have the courtesy of apology. Because I know life is too short for selfishness and pointing fingers on others won’t do any good. It’s true that every mistake payable by punishment but who are we to punish others?

Life sucks. Life is cruel. But it’s won’t be that long. Sooner or later the pain will fade away. Or sooner or later, we will walk away…

Padiku di bendang perlukan semaian,

Ayamku di reban perlukan makanan,

Bungaku di laman perlukan siraman,

Anakku di buaian perlukan belaian,

Tak senang aku nak fikir tentang dirimu,

Sedang ku tahu hidupku tak panjang,

Bukan untuk memikirkan kau seorang,

Majikanku di pejabat perlukan tugasan,

Syarikatku di kota perlukan pasaran,

Cukai kerajaan perlu dilangsaikan,

Kereta Kelisaku perlu dibetulkan,

Kerja aku banyak, kau pun tahu,

Aku orang penting bukan macam kamu,

Kau buat kerja kau aku buat kerja aku,

Kalau kau sakit aku ubatkan,

Kalau kau mati aku kapankan,

Tapi hidup itu tetap jalan!

I made this special to a friend of mine.. Mr E (bukan nama sebenar).. hehe.. I know you hate it, but i tried to understand how do you feel and I came out with this for you…

Weh! Tolonglah Malaysian! what happen? Daniel won? King of falsetto? Whua whua whua (gelak guling-guling atas lantai)

I asked Allah why I wasn’t rich. And he showed me
a man with the wealth
of a
thousand kings, who was lonely, and had no one
to share
it with.

I asked Allah why I wasn’t handsome. And he
showed me a men more
handsome
than any other, who was ugly because of his
vanity.

I asked Allah why he’d allowed me to become old.
And he showed me a boy
of
16, who lay dead at a scene of a car accident.

I asked Allah why I didn’t have a bigger house. And
he showed me a
family of
six, who’d just got evicted from their tiny shack,
and were forced to
live
on the street.

I asked Allah why I had to work. And he showed
me a man who couldn’t
find a
decent job, because he had never learned to read.

I asked Allah why I wasn’t popular. And he showed
me a socialite with
a
thousand friends, who all left the minute the money
and fun were no
longer
there.

I asked Allah why I wasn’t smarter. And he showed
me a natural born
genius,who was serving life in prison for making ill
use of his
knowledge.

I asked Allah why He put up with a thankless
sinner like me. And he
showed
me His Quraan, and the sacrifices of his beloved
Prophet (PBUH)

And i knew then how much He loved me.

Last Friday, while rushing to econs cafe, aku dikejutkan dgn surprise bzday party depan nescafe, specially for me. Xem, Munie, Schu, Daud, S.I & Firah were there. Schu played guitar while other sang Happy Birthday out loud. And I am composing myself not to look flattered @ excessively terharu. Malu seh! Foreigner yang dok melepak kat sitew seme nengok. Oh, My god! They are sooooo sweet!!! They bought me presents yang best2, and most important, they got me kek cheese yang amat sedap!!! I hate cheese cake actually sebab mual, but Secret Recipe punyer kek memang undeniably sedap gilergh!!! Thanks to u guys!!! Thank u sangat!!! Korang memang sweet sangat!!!

    Meanwhile, aku rasa bersalah sangat sebab tak dapat join makan-makan kat rumah miera. Actually aku tgh rush ke econs sebab konvoi tgh tunggu kat saner, tapi sebab aku dah kene hirobah kat tgh-tgh jalan tuh, camner aku nak gi? Sorry sesangat…

    Thanks to Ekin sebab bagi baju biru yang amat cantik. Kiut sangat. Macam tuan punya. Hahaha.

    Thanks to my dear sis, Nani & Salimi sebab belanja aku makan Pizza hari tu.. (for pics visit http://shin-chan84.fotopages.com) mereka memang amat sweet!!! I lurve them soo much!

   Anyway, lately I got so many reasons to smile. Everybody was being so sweet. Alhamdulillah. Tapi aku kene ingat, langit tak selalu cerah. Aku kena sediakan payung untuk menghadapi hari-hari siot yang akan datang nanti.

Happy 21^st birthday to me!!!

            Last year’s 20^th, I was at IIUM’s mosque, with Zairul. Mosque? What da “tutt” was I doing there? I slept with Zairul there lah, of course (What were you thinking? It was at the mosque la you moron!) I received some wishes from my friends. 15 minutes later Xem dropped by to give birthday present (such a cute baby lah you!) Then Zairul belanja aku makan kebab kat Siddeq. Later we went back to the mosque and before I went to sleep, I performed solat sunat and sujud syukur. Being 20 was equally fun and pathetic. I shall share my memorable events that took place when I was 20.

            First, Internal Moots Competition. I wasn’t in. But I was seducted and bribed by Huda (Dome), Munie (KFC), Shue (BK) and Salwa (McD). Who can resist such enticing offer? So I joined the team, prepared the bundle for only 3 days. Their aim was merely to show Syed Adam that they can do it. (Previously Syed Adam tortured them during Mooting Workshop) For God’s sake, we didn’t aim for victory. Nani’s team, Syed Adam’s team, Razlan’s team, Syukor’s team were our rival. We thought we are gonna be daging korban for the whole tournament. On many occasions we rayu to Khalipah that we wanna quit and she said no (Adam pun kata kitaorang ni bodoh kalau quit).But rezeki itu di tangan Allah. We, the underdogs managed to go to the final against Nani & the undefeated. Nani vs. Us? Of course la kitaorg kena sembelih kaw kaw punyer dengan judge and Munie & I looked totally stupid that night in front of the audience. Obviously we lost. The bad thing was that I was against my own sis whom I supported so much and it was not good. The good thing was that four of us were having absolute fun. Seperti biasa, study aku terbarai dan melingkup semester itew…

         Hari Raya Aidilfitri plak tak best sebab cuma aku dan akak aku jek ada. My eldest sis and sis ipar dalam hari, baru menyalinkan anak masing-masing.. bertambahlah koleksi anak buah aku., tapi seme pompuan… lelaki? Tunggu anak aku kot.. Nanti aku proses yek?

Nak dekat final exam, tgh orang lain say-bock study, aku gelabah kat stad wat keje interschool. Tido pun kat studio debate. That year’s interschool quite okay la. I couldn’t watch my own school performing since I was one of the adjudicator. So far, it was fun working but biasa lah.. rumah dah siap, pahat berbunyi. I strongly believed that what I did was right since I totally obeyed to Nizam all the way. But I made a big mistake masa penyampaian hadiah. Still, I blame English punya tabs – orang dah cakap awal-awal dah, best speaker hanya 10.. tetiba ada 11 plak. And I was to be blamed.

      Later, Personaliti Celcom Metro came. I was in. I learned a lot from this competition. I knew a lot of new friends. I get to know a lot more from my old friends. Some being supportive while some being prejudice and critically opposing. Be as they were, everything was done. I won the competition. So what? Thanks to those who supported me. I learned a lesson – never underestimate others. Even if they didn’t have the brain (as claimed by some intellect people), at least they have a beautiful heart and appreciate friendship. Some people simply got the greatest brain but their heart is not that beautiful – some sort of in desperate need of make over..hahaha I learned to appreciate differences between people rather than to sit down, goyang kaki and critisize others. Special thanks to S.I – seme ni ko punyer pasal and thank you!!! I love you!! Muahx 3x!!

         I scored pretty okay la masa short sem. Cuma subjek IKC spoil sket.. aku bukan selalu pi kelas pun… Cuma rasa bersalah dgn ustaz Nushi. Dahla tak penah gi tutor, tak pegi kelas nak dekat 7 kali dah baca 3 topik jek. Tapi dengan pemurahnya dia bagi single A kat aku. Terus malu nak jumpa dia lepas nih.

            Semester seterusnya bermula… aku sibuk gilergh nak haram dengan keje-keje Millef 05. Taip itu dan ini dan kerenah law soc yang kengkadang tak masuk akal orang terpelajar menguji kesabaran aku tahap petala langit ketujuh! Then, Huda approach me to help her with Mock Trial punyer skrip since Asnur dropped the title of head com scriptwriter. So I volunteered for 2 reasons: 1) Tell Me Your Dreams is my fav book 2) Huda & Salwa were my best buddies. Later my sis, Nani proposed me to represent Kuliyyah for National Moots Competition 05 – wah giler seh! Tiga benda nak kena buat dalam satu masa.. padan muka aku sapa suruh cari nahas!

            As for Millef 05, I gave my least cooperation coz I hate Law Soc punyer kerenah. Tak dinafikan benda ini menjejaskan sedikit friendship aku dengan Faiz, Munie, Shahir & Nuzul. But still aku terharu sebab after what I’ve done (neglecting Millef 05) they still treat me like usual.. their pathetic friend. Memorable moment would be “The fighting for Aikol Apprentice”. Lihatlah Law Soc! Program itu berjaya to be compared to pathetic Dinner 05 yang korang tak bimbangkan langsung sebab kononnya orang yang handle dinner itew berkaliber! Arkkkk… tuih!

            As for National Moots Competition, it was sort of a suicide for me sebab aku bawak benda yang aku tak blaja lagi – Evidence. And I hate talking about sth that I don’t have a good command of. But I had fun with all those supportive seniors from ADR. Being a baby was cool actually.. haha! Teruk gak kena blasah dgn judge but it was fun. I love you, Nani, Salimi, Asnur & Huda!! And also thanks to En Hasmi!!

            As for Mock Trial.. it was a walk to remember. It changed me much. Aku belajar menjadi seorang yang positif tentang hidup @ bagaimana untuk menerima hakikatnya yang memang tak best nak haram gilergh. Aku belajar untuk menghargai perbezaan dalam persahabatan. Aku belajar untuk memaafkan kesilapan orang. (Sapa kita nak menghukum? Nabi Muhammad pun ampunkan umat! Allah Maha Pengampun! Ko nak lawan Nabi & Tuhan ker?) Aku belajar mengenali orang yang tak matang dalam berfikir @ fikir jangka masa pendek @ orang yang mementingkan diri sendiri. Aku belajar untuk menjadi bangga dan bersyukur dengan diri sendiri. Aku belajar menjadi lebih tabah. Aku belajar untuk lebih menghargai. Dan aku kembali merindui apa yang aku selalu lakukan suatu ketika dulu. Mereka ini telah mengajar aku – Dina, Munibah, Lubna, Adora, Nadiah, Elyna, Aliff, Ben, Muzzle, Zuhairy &Hudazac. Thanks for being angels to me, guys. You guys changed my eyes a lot. But still scary lah kot.. wakaka!

            That’s all I got being 20.. banyak lagi sebenarnya tapi event ini shj yang ada effek dalam hidop aku.. Aku harap aku semakin tabah mengharungi alam 21. But I stick to my principle – Biar member aku sikit asalkan aku dapat appreciate every single one of them daripada aku ada member yang ramai tapi tak dapat nak kejar seme. My sis, Nani said: be realistic. You should classify your friend’s degree. Yeah, she’s correct. Therefore, I appreciate old friends rather than searching for new friends.

            Guys, thanks a lot. I mean ALL OF YOU! My 400+ friends in frenster ni dan jugak kengkawan aku yang benci teknologi (takde frenster la tu maknanya!) Thank you and thank you. 

   Semalam gua bengang giler… konon balik umah semangat ah nak buat consti, sekali bila gua bukak internet, tak bley connect ah! I thought that my sis changed da password so that I can’t access porno anymore.. wakakaka!!! Roooooiiite… Akak aku kata, rupenyer memang ada problem… aku pun talipon aliff, pinjam akaun akak dia… pun tak bley gak! My sis punya line lah ni… Terus aku tido dengan rasa bengangnya.

   Now I am at home, and it’s painful to see my dad on the bed, with all those wires attaching to his body. Batuk dia pun teruk. That is why I don;t want to stay a home. I don;t want to see him like that. It’s awful. Rasa cam nak cepat jek balik uia. I managed to hide my feelings by being happy and joyful, but when I wanna go to sleep everynight, I tend to get emotional thinking of this…

   Juz pray lah, then. Doa itu senjata kekuatan Muslim. Segalanya di tangan Allah… Aku redha.

   Subuh started with a small squeak from Aliff "Weh! Air takde!" And amazingly, compared to previous normal mornings, I quickly got up and said: Camne nak amik air semayang? Aliff suggested mandi sungai (can’t remember lah where).. Fine with me. So went back to my block, and I realized that I am quite fortunate my block still blessed with water supply. So I gave them a call : Hey! My block ada air lah!"

   After that, we had our breakfast outside. Then we went to library. Konon nak study la. Aku ni kan pantang kalo nampak komputer kosong, enticing offer by the library. So I wasted like 2 hours surfing the net and the f***ing server was damn slow and it pissed me off.. macam nak melenting ke syiling tingkat engine jek.

   Suddenly Kak Nani reminded me about the eating out at pizza’s plan. Quickly I agreed. Plus, they gave me a treat. Glad being such a cute baby.. haha… Pinjam camera Aliff and then doing all those Ben’s Syndrome.. and I’m addicted to flash. Actually, knowing Ben brought me back to my favourite past time that I shared with my elder brother when he studied art and design in uitm shah alam - photography. We used to spend a lot of time together managing all those pictures (still remember camera yang besar macam mesin basuh tu…) I left the past time for 2 reasons: First because he was married. And second, the fact that my camera was stolen during the short semester (God bless da thief la haiyoo!). Suddenly, when I met Ben, with his habit of taking photos every 5 seconds makes me miss my favourite past time… and I miss my only brother (abang kandung lah, Ben!)

    On the other hand, I am grateful to have two wonderful sisters (yes of course my kakak kandung) but in this context, I referred to Nani & Salimi. They were being so sweet and soooo cute… and they are soo beautiful.. inside and outside.. and I thank God that I found them.

    Petang gi mandi ngan Aliff kat Ulu Yam. Thanks for the lesson how to swim, although aku tak dapat tangkap lagi. Maybe next lesson nanti, yek? Susah juga takde air ni. Sekali Allah tarik nikmat, barulah aku ni nak bersyukur. Kalau tidak asyik komplen aje… itu tak kena, ini tak kena, sedangkan ada mereka yang lebih sukar kehidupannya daripada aku… entahlah, aku ni hamba Allah yang biasa kufur nikmat macam sesetengah hamba Allah yang lain… selalu la kena doa bagi aku ni sentiasa stick to the right path. Amin.

   Gotta go. Ada test lusa, ada stupid presentation of eap next evening… sebelum tidur, selalu ingat pesan ustazah - maafkan dosa orang lain ke atas kita, insya Allah kita ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang mulia di sisi Allah. Aku maafkan dosa orang lain ke atasku. Mereka yang lain pulak macam mana? A question not for me to answer.

   Yesterday, I hang out with SHAMS…not really.. SHAM only… I removed S simply because Salwa wasn’t there with us. Biasa la.. what do you expect? She’s into serious relationship with Shameer. Understanding appreciated much. We can’t hang out anymore like we used to be since matriks. I still remember - me, Xem, Munie, Schu & Salwa.. and I’ll never forget those special moments.

   We chose "Charlie & Kilang Cokolatnyer" and we did enjoy da movie. Aku sebak gak nengok si Charlie tu masa mula-mula. I felt like Charlie is me when I was a little boy. Always desiring something but financially incapable, and my dear mom will comfort me to bed until I forgot the stuff that I wanted.. and she taught me how to be contented with what we have… and I am contented at most with a complete set of family of mine. Family never hurt us. Yang paling penting, aku kena bersyukur sebab sedari kecil, makan aku cukup dan pakai aku cukup. Alhamdullillah…

   Another lesson that I learned yesterday was when my favourite shoes kena kebas masa semayang kat surau KLCC (KLCC?) Kasut tu bukan cantik pun, dah koyak sket, tapak nak rabak dah… pun ada selera nak ambik… siap dengan stokin plak tuh… thank god, Azem, Munie and Schu were there. Amazingly I can control my temper. Bila rasa nak marah aje, aku terus teringat lirik lagu Life For Rent oleh Dido:

"And I deserve nothing more than I get… coz nothing that I have is truly mine…"

  Segala-galanya kat dunia ni tak pernah dimiliki oleh aku… tidak pernah dimilki oleh kita.. semuanya hak Allah dan bila-bila masa jek ALlah boleh amik balik dari kita dan kita sebenarnya takde hak langsung nak claim balik. Macam kasut aku.. pinjam jek dari Allah.. sekarang Allah dah ambik balik.. so actually aku takde hak pun nak marah-marah.. i wish that Allah bagi aku ‘pinjam balik’ kasut tu…

   Just need to be extra careful next time…

   Aku tidak pernah memiliki dan aku tidak bisa memiliki…

   Apa yang ada untukku nikmati dan syukuri…

   Aku sekadar hamba berkelana di bumi ini…

   Tiba masa aku melangkah pergi…

   Kerna aku jua milik Ilahi…

   Shin Chan wrote at 15:45, 9th Sept 2005

I realized that I made a mistake. A big and unfair one I suppose. I thought I knew him. But I was wrong. I thought that he was like any other "S" guy - the type that I hated the most on earth. But I was wrong. Simply because he possesses some of their characteristics and features I considered him as an "S" type of guy. But I was wrong again. I am being unfair to this guy. Doesn’t mean that if I’ve met a dozen of this f*****’ species then I can recognize others on the dot. I’m being unfair to you. So, in public, I went to a shop, bought a humble pie, and say:

"I AM SORRY FOR BEING UNFAIR TO YOU!"

I hope my words before never hurt you. I hope we are still friends.

Dunno la this guy will read my blog or not, but at least, I’ve done my job.

Thank you…May Allah bless ya!